SOUL | THE TOXICITY OF PLACING BLAME
Boy, has it been a minute. I want to say a lot has happened since July when I last wrote but truth be told, a lot really hasn't. I have made the conscious decision, as some of you may remember from my last post, to step back from constant activity with Mornings Like These to reprioritize and reassess. I needed to realign myself with my purpose and live out my truths. My husband and I have been living a healthier life. We have been spending a lot of time together and making better wellness choices. I can't tell you just how rich and full life has felt since July. That's not to say life wasn't enriching before July... absolutely not. Life has been wonderful to every degree. What I mean is since July, I have made a conscious effort to nourish myself. This not only includes my physical wellness but more importantly, getting in tune with my emotions and those scary, deep-rooted feelings. I think we can all benefit from acknowledging, honoring and exploring our dark sides. This is what I wanted to do. We have demons. We have insecurities. Why must we resent them and transfer them elsewhere in a desperate attempt to deny them? We are the final destination and the birthing place of those feelings. They are our own. When did it become customary to place blame?
I've had these thoughts on my mind for some time now. There is so much to lose when we can't honor our deeper emotions. At surface level, it's easy to look at what we are feeling and find someone or something to transfer the blame to.
If you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have reacted that way.
If you didn't act like that, I wouldn't have said what I did to so and so.
I wouldn't have to do what I did if you would behave the way I want you to.
I'm sure you can think of tons of real world scenarios where someone had a justification for their bad behavior... or what's more, I'm sure you can be honest with yourself and think of when you justified your own bad behavior. I know I can. Truthfully, denying our baggage is incredibly damaging. By placing the blame on someone else for how we choose to behave or think, we are digging ourselves deeper into a black hole of denial. When our credibility is questioned or our relationships with others have deteriorated, our knee-jerk reaction is to blame other people. Let's just rethink that for a minute. What might we have done to contribute?
Blame is toxic. Here's why:
1) Resentment is poison / I can't think of a better way to say it. Our bodies store our energy in our bones, in our muscles, in our tissue. Repetitive spells of negativity, nay-saying and ill thoughts take their toll on the body and mind. By releasing those feelings of anger and resentment, we allow our body to release tension and heal.
2) Negativity is contagious / It is so incredibly easy to bring others down with us. Have you ever worked with someone that made a small, honest mistake but yet they couldn't accept fault and instead had to point out what YOU did to make them slip up? Doesn't it make you feel terribly small? It's the craziest thing. We are so afraid to appear wrong that the blame simply has to be transferred. It's as if the feelings of inadequacy are absolutely frightening that in a desperate plea to keep from facing our true feelings, we pass them off to other people so they feel the weight of what we're feeling. The moment we honor and face our insecurities is the moment we start to gain control over them. Do not pass your emotional junk to other people. Just don't do it.
3) Learning opportunities are missed / Everytime we insist that someone else is responsible for how we are feeling, we shut the door for growth. It's not possible to learn about yourself and what you're dealing with if you're insistent upon finding someone to hold responsible for how you're feeling. We have a big, beautiful opportunity when we are feeling low to explore that emotion; to retrace our steps and play hopscotch around our minds until we reach the inception of that brutal emotion. We are so protective of our happiness, why can't we show the same ownership with our darkness?
4) Someone else being wrong does not make you right /I don't have anything to say on this one. It's as simple as it gets: smells like denial, folks.
I have experienced such growth in the last weeks because I've spent time invested in exploring my dark stuff. There is something incredibly brave about facing your demons. I feel like I'm wearing a suit of armor sometimes when I retreat inward and face the brutal, authentic stuff that's just waiting for me to face it.
I know you're brave. I know you mean well. I know you get scared and want to find a reason for it so you can finally feel safe again. I know the ugly stuff isn't pretty but sometimes pretty sucks. We can't swim around in a pool of toxic emotions and upon drowning, expect people to save us. It's not their job. You've got this.
To yourself or to others: Say sorry. Say I Love You. Move on.